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'America's Next Top Model' Recap

I desperately hope that you're reading this recap in lieu of actually viewing
this week's episode of "America's Next Top Model," because it was a weird,
boring mess with a yawn on top. I don't know if it's the newlyinstated numbers
system, or the randomly appointed judges, or the overall lack of engaging drama
and content, but College Edition has the personality of a wet fart thus far. And
with that bright disclaimer, allow me to escort you all into the Top Model
house, where nasty Nastasia is riding high off ugg boots Cyber Monday
her victory at panel. Her and Kiara situate themselves in the Tyra Suite, where
they pore over racks of clothing they're not allowed to wear out.

Everyone is atwitter about former frontrunner Leila's untimely departure from
the competition, because (apparently unlike before) "anyone can go home at any
time." Brittany and Yvonne have a bone to pick with social media consultant
BryanBoy about the way he shook his head when Leila was axed, and Laura
annoyingly resolves to "focus on just winning everything." We shift from the
winner's edit to the loser's, as Yvonne whines that she's "over it . [she's] a
product, not a person," which is truer of reality TV contestants than wouldbe
models. Chrissy Teigen the two are dressed HtoT in velcro bodysuits adorned with
tiny orange spheres and neon stripes. As they talk and awkwardly flail about,
tiny glitchy avatars on a nearby monitor move in sync, like terrifying
marionettes. This supposedly makes sense because college kids play video games,
and models . move around weirdly? In any event, each contestant is made to
squeeze into velcro armor and mime out a boat escape scenario in which she must
scale a small pile and roll over a limbo pole. I'll admit, I did think the
activity was kind of cool, but unfortunately, it was without purpose or fun
think about olden cycles, when the girls would trashtalk one another on fake red
carpets, or flub their way through a traditional Thai dance in front of a live
audience. All we get to see this time is Victoria being her gawky Gollum self
and Laura basking in the brief glory of her win.

Back at the house, Brit's pissed about not winning anything, and explains
that she "always wants to be the best," which must be hard on a girl who attends
community college. Vicki has another psycho phone convo with her mom, before
unnecessary gay P'Trique rolls in to lisp the phrases "clock is ticking,"
"booties in gear," and "wild, wild west," which all sound like Destiny's Child
lyrics to me, but apparently mean that the ladies will be participating in a
steampunk photo shoot! Laura, probably reading from a script, describes the
genre as "Victorian style with 19thcentury mechanics," but the most important
thing about this concept is that MIKE RUIZ is shooting it! Yes, this
daddyforallseasons and AList New York alum will be lending his sweet weave and
timeless sweater collection to the set. Jay Manuel's replacement) and Mr. Ruiz
reveal that the shoot will involve "elaborate costumes, vintage trains, and a
temperamental costar," as Mike makes owl hoots and Kristen hates on birds at
large with the remark, "I don't think anyone's really a fan of birds." The
styling is generally pretty and Cyber Monday ugg boots
fun, albeit a vast interpretation of the steampunk concept. Once again, there is
literal steam everywhere as the models pout it out on trains, pipes, and clocks
as Groovy the Owl digs his talons into their flesh. Most of them are completely
forgettable, although Laura works her angles and Vicki (with red plastic lace
stamped on her face) creates a character backstory in which she murders her
boyfriend. Kristen gets in another awesome sound bite: "She's always a damn
character!" When asked to change her skirt, resident totem pole Yvonne makes a
fart sound with her mouth, inciting an argument with BryanBoy that's
embarrassing for everyone involved. After tossing around the word "rude,"
apologies are quickly exchanged and suddenly, we're at judging!

Back in the day, Tyra Banks would claim that every "ANTM" photo shoot was
based on a shoot that she herself had done, and judging would open with a
vintageish snapshot of TyTy; nowadays, we get some halfhearted theme photo of
Tyra and Rob Evans posing like Cougar and BoyToy. (Does art imitate life?) Tyra
looks like a washedup fish as she introduces the judges: bitch PR maven Kelly
Cutrone, Rob Evans, and BryanBoy, dressed in the ugliest outfit I've seen since
fuzzy Juicy Couture jumpsuits with Uggs was a trend. As usual this season, most
of the photos are blah. Kiara reads a fan comment that could have been written
by me while I was blacked out: "Androgyny is one thing, but Kiara just looks
like a man with makeup on." Kristen looks like a bored waitress and Yvonne is
told to "swallow" her comments, which I feel is a mixed message to send to a
plussize model. On the upside, Laura gets straight 10s for her insane owl circus
realness and Brit gets some shout outs for edgy face, but everyone seriously
needs to stop saying "Disney." Calculators are consulted, and the breakdown for
Week 6 is:

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